Who am I?

That is a question that a lot of us ask ourselves everyday. Are we different everyday? If I answer today then why do I ask myself the same question tomorrow? It is not an easy question to answer, so why do I insist on asking myself everyday? So many additional questions spring off the original thought. I was a calm, assured and happy man yesterday but for some reason today I feel paranoid and jumpy. I don’t want to log on to work normally but the desire to skip a full day is stronger today.

I stayed up late last night editing my podcast so I did not get a full nights sleep. I have a spot on the side of my nose. It is one of those ones that is in the crevice of the curve of your nostril. It’s ready to be popped or picked or whatever you like to do with your spots but it will cause pain whenever I attempt to attack. I had two coffees today instead of my one in the morning. I used to drink five cups a day! Now, I am down to one but due to tiredness I allowed myself one more. I am expecting a delivery today and the sound of the doorbell is so harsh that the thought of it fills me with anxiety. I almost wish I wasn’t expecting anything so that I didn’t know it was coming.

I was beating myself up all day for being down. I was questioning the change in mood and blaming myself for being sad again. In reality, while it was my decision to stay up late, have the second coffee and order the delivery, it is not my fault. It’s important to remember that we are human beings and the slightest change to our day can throw us off kilter. We are a soft aul species and unfortunately we take things to heart. Some of us more than others but we are all in this together.
I know, going on past experience, that I will do my best to go to bed early tonight and probably fail but I just hope that tomorrow I remember to give myself a break. I hope that I remember to take a few deep breaths in and out.

Update: I felt fine after a few deep breaths and once the doorbell finally rang its evil knell.


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