An Taoiseach, Leo Varadker last night announced that for the next two weeks we are to remain within two kilometres of our houses. We can leave this area to go foodshopping, grab a takeaway or if we are essential staff. What have I decided to do, you ask? I’m in Kildare, my workstuff is at home in Cork and I’m quietly freaking out. I have also decided to write an extremely helpful, not in any way tongue-in-cheek* guide to queuing for your groceries.
This morning’s reaction to Leo telling us to stay inside and remain calm was to queue up outside our Aldis, Lidls, Tescos and Dunnes and panic buy, because that worked so well the first time. Here is a look at some tips and tricks I’ve used to get to the top of the queue and become the alpha male I was born to be.
Let me set the scene. Your head of government has announced that you are to stay inside for a full two weeks. Stuck inside, what are you going to be doing?? That’s right. Shitting. But wait…you’re halfway down the shopping centre, old women and angry middle aged men are in front of you and Dunnes is full. Start nudgin’. Nell, or Eily, or Agnes is in front of you, start nudgin’. Nudge that bish. If you want, as she edges away from the deranged psychopath that you have become, mention loudly, ‘Gettin’ poopoo paper’. She’ll understand.
Ok. You’re near the top. You can see the security guard has razor-thin patience for any nudging. He’s already spotted you but is waiting to see how tactful you are. Jimmy, bald, red ears, is in front of you. Don’t cough too loudly. Lean forward until you’re dangerously close to the crease that forms between the back of his globe and his neck. Light cough. ‘Aheh-heh’. Wait for him to turn around and get phlegmmy. As he steps aside, caught between wanting to knock you out and wanting to protect all who he holds dear, look him in the eye, dramatically shrug and say, “Gotta defecate, my mate.” He’ll understand.
Shoulder to shoulder. Social distancing? Not for me, brah! We come from the greatest country in the world. The United States of Éire, baby!
What’s that? There’s a fair amount of toilet paper left? Jackpot! But wait….that couple are having a look at the Andrex. And that’s your favourite? Better make like Cian Healy, barge in there and make it a threesome…I mean….ah forget it. Get real close. Ignore their pleas for distance and steer them clear of your preferred paper. You can even incorporate our earlier agressions and nudge ’em….cough on ’em. Rub their shoulders with your shoulders. Get creative. Get Andrex.**
And there you have it! This is tried and tested.*** It will work. Stay safe out there. Stay wiped.
*Extremely tongue-in-cheek. DO NOT DO ANY of this.
** Not sponsored by Andrex.
***Not tried. Not tested. I am not a prick.
P.S. Stay inside and stay safe.