Christmas is over! We’re halfway through the first official week back to work and for most of us that means we’ve been getting the dreaded beast that is… PUBLIC TRANSPORT! Delayed buses, slow trains and jam-packed coaches with no knee room are our new reality. I say ‘our’. I mean ‘your’. I own a car now. I’m a big boy.
Let’s have a brief look at some of the absolute creatures that board our buses, trawl our trains and assault our senses.
The Smell
I’m going to preface this one by saying that we don’t know a person’s background or the circumstances that bring them to have such a smell permeating the air around them. All I know is that they smell horrendous and it doesn’t matter how bad you feel for them, they are coming for the empty seat next to you, and they’re gonna encroach on your side of the seat. Smelly travels, fellow passenger.
The Leer
Oh, Jaysus. Look at the cut of this fella. It’s not even the way he looks or what he’s wearing. It’s the cold, dead look in his eyes that screams, ‘I’m undressing you with my eyes and there’s nothing you can do about it”. I mean, I find it uncomfortable when I glance over and a leer barely feigns breaking eye contact with me. I can only imagine the hardships the womenfolk go through day after day, leer after leer, uncomfortable encounter after uncomfortable encounter.
So I just wanna take a minute to say, stand up sisters! No more leers! No more leers! No more leers!
The Space Invader
If I was an alien being brought to this world with no knowledge of the human race and someone asked me to point out a creep, I’d point all forty of my tentacles at this motherfucker. A close cousin of the leer, the space invader knows no boundaries. His knees touch yours with nary an invitation. His elbow takes the armrest even though he has the window seat. Come to think of it, it’s a booked seat and he doesn’t look like an Ellen.
The Talk Show Host
“And next up on Samantha’s phone is Sharon! Sharon is having trouble with Mark, her on-again-off-again boyfriend of 12 years and father of her two kids. Tune in whether you like it or not because you forgot your headphones, there’s a traffic delay up ahead and Samantha is only itching to give some advice. STICK AROUND for the shock twist when Samantha rings Mark to tell him she’ll meet him ‘there in a minute la’. STICK AROUND AGAIN for Cameron, Sharon’s other best friend who is on the same bus apparently and hears the second phone call and confronts Samantha! I’m Cian Dalton, on the late bus to Mahon! BUSWATCH!”
The Group Project
For some reason you sat on the top deck. For some reason you sat near the back. Suddenly, a group of young lads and girls get on and they’re all wearing similar clothes. They sit near the front and they are loud and boisterous, laughing and slapping each other’s shoulders. Could they possibly just be having fun? Could they just be kids joking between themselves? NO! NEVER! They’re laughing at me! They’re going to trip me up! They’re going to look at me over their shoulder and snicker and chuckle and it’s all about me!
The Luggage Carousel
This passenger comes in two forms and all shapes and sizes. They can be found after a full day’s shopping, possibly with a friend, occupying eight seats and avoiding all eye contact.
Other times they can be found on an absolutely jam-packed bus , one hand holding a pole to steady themselves and the other hand resting in the middle of the pile of bags strapped around their shoulder. You know what I’m talking about. They will maneuver this group of bags our of your way, into your way, around you and him and in ways that defy the laws of physics. Always when you’re trying to get off at your stop. Pricks.
Best of luck back on the grind, guys. Is there anyone I missed out on here?
The Rathpeacon Rambler 