Transfer Shmansfer

We’re at that weird part of the summer where transfer rumours are splashed onto every back page but no real football is being played. Those of us who are lucky enough to have a vested interest in the G.A.A. have been spoiled, especially with the hurling. However, for sole fans of the Premier League, watching your team play against the Madrid reserves and barely scrape by is not that enjoyable. Yes, Mourinho, I know you read this blog and that was aimed at you. Don’t @ me.
That’s the reason that I sometimes write about home or about personal stuff, because I can’t for the life of me bring myself to tell ye what I think about the latest shite rumour to come out about United and their transfers. Oh, we’re getting Neymar and Messi, and Ronaldo’s going to come back to us the year after? And then Mbappe is joining us too? Unreal, man, great news. Fuck right off and stop spamming my Twitter feed with that shite. I want to see Paddy Power jokes and the odd gif of a dog being cute. I don’t need your thoughts on a transfer that is never going to happen. I’ve been stung before and I know what I’m worth. I am fierce. I am the night.

The first time I properly experienced this was with Owen Hargreaves. I know. He did eventually join United, winning the Champions League in 2008 before injury added a shade of disappointment to his stint at the club. However, for years before he joined I was hearing rumours and gossip on the news and the papers about Hargreaves joining. He was a fantastic footballer and I was fully sure he was coming. I would brag to my friends about how he was going to help us overcome Chelsea and once again claim our positions as the rightful champions of England.
I say, ‘we’, and whenever I’m drunk I pump out RA tunes like it’s going out of fashion. Lolz.
Anyways, I was talking shite because the gossip remained gossip and I was slagged to no end, cursing Hargreaves and the media for making a fool out of me. That’s why i write these blogs. For revenge. I’m going to rise to the top, defeating Murdoch and Branson in the final level and bring the media down from within. Nah, I was just too sensitive as a child and would take any light joke as a personal insult. I like to think I am better now and my temper has cooled but my housemates think I’m not a morning person and that I’m a grump. That’s not true. What I am not, is I’m not ready for a full on conversation while I’m trying to eat my cereal. So I’m calling ye out. Tom and John. There’s a fight down Woodlawn way tomorrow on Martha Ave. Bring yere best men and I’ll bring mine. Actually, we’re all very close friends so they’ll probably be the same guys. Is it worth it? Is any of this worth it? Did Tom really drop his trousers in front of those girls in Austin? Did Brian really punch that police horse in the face? We may never know.

I know that I am biased, but I feel like Manchester United get a disproportionate amount of transfer rumours each year when compared to the other big clubs around the world. I realise that Real Madrid and Barcelona and the like do get associated with monstrous money moves with young stars on the rise, but United get everything else. Apparently every Brazilian who has ever played football is moving to Old Trafford after Fred signed. The fact of the matter is that Old Trafford and Manchester United are not that attractive an idea anymore. Since the departure of the great Sir Alex Ferguson, there has been a lack of silverware and the style of play has deteriorated. Mourinho has disappointed me, and while I don’t want to be too harsh, because I know he’s a great follower of my thoughts and quips, he needs a big push in quality this season if he is going to stay on. He also needs two more transfers and needs to stop bashing the players after every game. I also wonder how many more players are going to be associated with United before the window is closed? Wesley Sneijder again, perhaps? That man is going to be retired and living happily in the Dutch countryside when he gets a call from Ed Woodward. “We’d love for you to come and finally join us. We could use your in-swinging free kicks in a big way.”

To answer a few questions from earlier: Yes, it is all worth it; yes, Tom dropped trou in front of a group of girls in a bar in Austin and they screamed and fled; and no, Brian did not punch a police horse in the face. He was simply whispering something into the animal’s ear and they both had a good laugh over the whole incident. They remain friends to this day. Chat ye next week!


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