So, that’s it. The World Cup is over. Significant others all around the world who don’t have much interest in international football can rejoice. Television sets can be used by members of the family other than the dads and the older brothers. Ladies, ye can now unleash all of the recorded episodes of Love Island upon your fella. He has no argument anymore. You’ve waited it out. You’ve sat in the trenches. You’ve prayed to a God you were never really sure you believed in. Sure, you went to Mass every Sunday but there was always a doubt in your mind as to the truth. Is there a God? Anyways, you’ve prayed to something that this match doesn’t go to extra time. Now it’s your turn. Own it. Milk it.
In fairness, this World Cup has been tremendous. There has been some amount of worldies scored and a surprising amount of upsets. The two Kings of football, Ronaldo and Messi, exited in the second round, while the previous champions, Germany, left us in the group stages. Hahahahaha. I tipped Argentina and Germany to both possibly go on and win the tournament. I was so naïve then, so green. I had forgotten how ruthless international football could be. Still, the big stars for Germany and Argentina didn’t turn up at all. The same could be said for Portugal despite Ronaldo having a stormer of a first game.
It was an amazing World Cup, in my opinion and every World Cup has stellar moments. This one had countless such moments but I was either asleep or working for a lot of them so here are my five moments that made me say, “Wow, this is one of the best moments of the World Cup. I hope someone puts it in a list format on a blog. Wait a second. I could do it. I’m gonna do it.” And a part of me hopes they made you think that too. But don’t even think of starting a rival blog. And don’t @ me.
- Batshuayi kicking the ball into his own face.
This was the funniest thing I had seen in any sport in a long time. Third game of the group stage. England v. Belgium. The winner would go on to face the harder route to the final but would still obtain the bragging rights. A tense opening half saw us into a scoreless draw at half time. Adnan Januzaj, a player who failed to cement a place in United’s starting XI, stepped up in the 50th minute and unleashed a stunning, curling shot into the top corner, past the fingertips of former child film star of This is England, Thomas Turgoose (look it up). Celebrations ensued and Chelsea player, Michy Batshuayi, picks up the ball and with the intention of kicking the ball with force into the back of the net to show how fired up he is, proceeds to kick the ball and watch helplessly as it ricochets back into his fucking face. See for yourself.
- Mbappes lightning pace
The second round clash between France and Argentina was probably one of the best matches of the whole tournament, just behind the group game between Spain and Portugal. It ended 4-3 in favour of the frog bastards, obviously, as they won the whole thing, with Argentina scoring a late goal to make a French dominated second half more exciting. Kylian Mbappe scored two important goals and made his mark on world football but his turn of pace to get the penalty to open the scoring was frightening. He left Rojo in his dust and if you look at it in slow motion, he actually turns around mid run, puts is hand in his shorts as if to get something out of his pocket for Rojo, then pulls his hand back out and gives him the middle finger. Rojo, enraged, rugby tackles Mbappe to the ground, shouting, “Fool me once, shame on you!” Frightening times.
- Pavard’s bending beauty
I didn’t know who Benjamin Pavard was before this World Cup and I won’t lie to you when I say that if he stays at Stuttgart I won’t know much about him afterwards, but after a brilliant, consistent tournament he can almost be sure of a starting place in many of Europe’s elite clubs. His half-volley in the second round clash against Argentina was just outstanding and is probably the goal of the tournament. Bravo.
- Ronaldo’s Free Kick
The game was tensely poised at 3-2 to Spain in the opening game for them and Portugal. Ronaldo was on a hatrick and standing over a free kick in the 88th minute. He had bested De Gea twice already and was looking to provide some magic and rescue a point for his team. He spread his legs about shoulder width apart, almost as if he was preparing for a mondo deuce. The sweat was beading down his face, almost as if he was preparing for a mondo deuce. The concentration was etched onto his face, almost as if he was preparing for a mondo deuce. And then he kicked the metaphorical mondo deuce into the top right hand corner of the net, a hapless De Gea watching the round turd spin past him.
- Belgium’s Surprise Attack
In what turned out to be one of the more surprising and controversial events of the World Cup, there was an attack on the French players right after the final whistle. The whole stadium went black. The crowd remained silent, thinking this to be a gimmick by the tournament event manager. Suddenly, the Belgian anthem started playing. The lights slowly began to rise again as a group of about thirty men, all wearing Roy Hodgson masks, appeared at the end of the tunnel. They began to storm the pitch and beat the French players with steel tables, ladders and chairs. Two or three of the Hodgson’s would hold a French player down and another would frogsplash onto him, all the while gesticulating at the crowd. Jim Ross was doing guest commentary on the tournament for some reason I haven’t made up yet and said of the incident, “Bah Gawd, they just broke that man in half!” Eventually, the group removed their masks, revealing themselves to be the Belgian team. Vince McMahon and Vladimir Putin could not be reached for a comment. The group is still at large.
I hope ye enjoyed this trip to my brain. Don’t worry either, lads, as there are plenty of sports on for the rest of the summer, and then the beloved Premier League is back. Best of luck!